A return to normalcy

OK, so I know that it's been awhile, but, faithful readers don't despair, I'm back. A combination of college and school and extra curricular activities have left me without my inspiration and will to write. So, now I'm feeling it again, and to return to posting, I am posting something that I wrote last summer.

It's my journal thing from my mission trip in Chicago, courtesy of the folks from Youthworks. Before I get into this, I want to make it clear that this is nothing against the Youthworks program, but rather the way that it tried to get us to follow their ideas. Even beyond that, it was the people who ran the Youthworks chapter in Chicago, four young college kids who didn't really know what they were doing. They handed out a workbook of ideas a quotes for us to reflect upon every morning. I guess what bothered me was the format of the booklet. It was like a test, with annoying questions about how we would interpret different quotes. Everything is as it was written, I haven't edited it, so forgive any grammar mistakes. Anyway, on to the journal.

Day 1

Sometimes words and thoughts, pictures and messages, can make meaning clear. In school, a simple reading and discussion will suffice for most things. There is no real issue with understanding. In life, this is not always the case. Words may not make on feel, pictures may not lead to comprehension. The forced attempts of enlightenment, such as this devotional booklet, are not effective. Sometimes, to truly understand, to find enlightenment, one must experience for themselves. One must have one moment that changes their lives in a way that pictures never could. (exert from booklet) "Jesus takes our imaginations far beyond where we can go on our own. What we see as impossible is possible through the Spirit. Aligning ourselves with God's dreams for us expands our capacity to love and serve. This week you will be challenged to stretch your imagination. Many new people and places await you. Let Jesus shape your experience, drawing you beyond boundaries of self and into the mind-boggling adventures of following him. Imagine!"

Imagination cannot be forced. Jesus may indeed expand our imaginations, but this devotional book does not bring us to Jesus. This week I will challenge myself, life as I know how to bring meaning to my life. A book made by people I have not met is not the answer, is no the path to salvation. That path comes from the heart.

Only one page for journal entries? So they want us to think, just not too hard. We have to follow their path instead of our own. I have finally become unafraid to voice my true thoughts. I know now that it is not necessary to share them with the world. The rages and satires against devotional and club time, and the over-excited college leader are not something that the world has to know. I know them, and that is enough. Maybe someday, to the right person, I can show them.

Day 2

I saw some neat things yesterday. I saw third-generation gang members smile. I saw them smile, not out of hate or malice, but out of joy, and love. 5-8 year old children with the most beautiful smiles. In the children 8-10 year olds, those smiles had started to fade, become more rare, more out of coldness than any love. I have finally realized that the purpose here is to keep that beautiful smile alive, so that Hod has a chance to work, and keep them smiling. I came here looking for a God moment in my actions. Instead I have found my God moment in the innocent smile of a child.

Obviously I could ignore this book, refuse to do it. When we discussed it last night, that is what people suggested. I could do that, but my problem with this book is not that I have to fill it out. I don't have to fill it out. The problem I have is with the principle of the thing. The point of this book is to help us find God. It, however, is not the God that I am looking for. This book looks for us to find their God. I would find it far more meaningful if we were given blank paper, and given two word instructions: "find him."

Day 3

Why is everything a test? Life is a test, but there is no reason to answer these questions. They do not provide enlightenment or enrichment. If these were on a test in school then I would get annoyed because they would be annoying questions. These things do not make me think about my faith, they make me want to avoid it.

George says that the Youthworks staff lives in a room with computers, and TVs, and beds and floors. I understand the bed and computer, they are here for much longer, and need to keep in touch. Why though, do they have TVs, does their work give them some better quality than us? Are we young and irresponsible? Doomed to watch TV instead of helping if they provide it? I think not. I am only 4 or 5 years younger than most of the staff. Am I less mature than them? No. DId they give me a chance? No. Is this accusation fair to them? Probably not.

When I look around the room, I see some of us with eyes closed. I can tell for some that they are praying, and that others are obviously hiding. There are also people in the middle whom I cannot tell if they are sleeping or praying. Which do I assume? Do I assume God is at work, and that they pray? Or, do I assume teenage human nature is at work, and that they sleep? One is unfair to the kids, one to God.

Ask yourself, "How can I live more like Jesus?"
Does Jesus want us to live like him? Are we supposed to be sin free? I don't think so, I think God wants us to sin, because humans sin, but God wants us to put his faith in him, to trust that he loves us, and will deliver us from evil.

On a side notes, if God loves unconditionally, is it fair to love some more than others? If not, then why worship, why seek God's redemption and forgiveness if he gives that to us anyway?

Day 4

So I'm not sure if I have had a God moment yet. There have been plenty of moments where I know God has done work, but no moment of clarity such as I have had in past years. I want my God moment to touch other people as well, to make them see what God can do. Sometimes I hear a God moment, but it doesn't really impact me. But, other times, I hear or see a God moment that touches me and everyone who sees or hears it. Maybe I am asking too much, but that is what I want for my God moment. The only moment that comes close, comes close because of the way that I can tell it. To most it would just be a smile. To me, it was a smile, until I thought about it afterwards. I think that I can make this moment special, but does it fit the criteria of a "God moment?"

As I write this, however, I wonder, does it have to? No, I don't think so. A god moment is what you make of it, and I have taken God's opportunity, and made it into a moment, a thought, a story that will last forever.

Day 5

My writing in this booklet has changed from angry to thinking about God. This comes not from less hate of this book, but form a change in me. I still would burn this book if I could, but I won't, because I know I have written some good things in here. The questions that they ask me to answer have not furthered my faith journey. The questions that I have asked myself, they have.